Yesterday I had this mind-blowing meeting with this random dude I met at a college fair. He is well-beyond intelligent and an explosion of ideas, passion, projects and thoughts. In fact, he is one person who can out-think me and think-around me and over-think me.
And that’s saying a lot.
It seems the one thing people tell me about “me” is that my brain spins. Constantly. They laugh and joke and comment they need to be careful what they say because I’ll take it and deconstruct it to levels that change the meaning and the purpose of the original statement. Or what they say I take and twirl into new places before they have a chance to process the first thing that pops out of my mouth.
And, on many levels, that’s true.
My mind moves in overdrive. Something I hadn’t really thought of much before people started to call me out on it a few months ago.
But my brain works on fast forward.
I don’t think.
I quadruple think. And the thinking makes me distracted and lately it makes me agitated and overwhelmed.
So, sitting down with someone who overwhelmed my brain before I had a chance to overwhelm it actually felt good.
There were moments when he hit so close to home I had to fight back some tears.
But, I needed someone to out-think me.
And the moral of story was quite simple.
“You’re in the middle of a dozen projects. You have another dozen on the back burner. They are all good opportunities. But, how do they fit?”
He continued on,
“You aren’t working toward anything. All your pieces need to culminate in something. And I can tell you don’t know what that is,”
He then said explained I needed to eliminate. Make time commitments to eliminate. Make time commitments and restraints to try new and test dark waters. He said I would never move past where I was because I needed to re-frame who I was, my potential and my purpose.
And he’s right.
Yet, I’m exhausted.
I’m spinning my own wheels.
And in a futile attempt of finding balance and finding some sort of inner peace, and maybe even some purpose, I’ve been feeding my energies into other people- which leads to drama and relationships that I know are toxic, but are safer than dealing with the insecurities and unknown potentials I’m hiding in my cluttered brain.
The yogic side of me just says to breathe and live through the moment. Enjoy the present. BE present. In this state of contentment and openness, the opportunities and the people I need will come because I will be open to them.
And, I believe it to some point.
But the practical, real-day, me knows I need a plan. I need to be working toward something bigger than me. Bigger than the piece of shit jobs I take on to barely pay the bills. Bigger than the half-assed relationships and wasted hours of people drama that fill my day.
Living in the moment gets me through the day. But, I need to live holistically so I can raise my three little kidlets with a bit of confidence that I’m building a secure foundation for us to live off of.
And up to this point, I’ve failed.
I need to look at my life obtusely without fear.
Even the college fair dude yesterday said, “I know you’re still living in fear. You’re afraid of doing anything differently that you are now because letting go of this might mean you go back to where you were almost 3 years ago. I know you don’t want to go back there.”
He also said, “Until you let go of that fear, every choice you make will be clouded in fear. You will forever live in fear. You won’t get ahead.”
And he is right.
Every step I take in every moment of the day is a result of me living in fear and living to survive for a long time.
I don’t want to go back to where I was almost 3 years ago. And every day I feel like I am a sneeze away from returning there.
In many aspects I’ve moved on. New jobs, new home, new friends and support systems.
The fear I was so sure I had shed is hugging me closer than ever.
Thus, as I move on, I am collecting.
Not willing to let go of anymore. Afraid that if I let it go, I won’t ever have access to it again.
The things I have been willing to release are long gone.
But, the things I have picked up over the last few years are things I can’t seem to let go of.
And as I collect and refuse to let go, I’m now allowing the time or the space for new.
And until the fear is gone, I know I need to continue to let go and make space for things that I don’t take on in a state of fear.
So, I return to the idea of looking at everything I am doing and the projects I am working toward and the people and relationships I am feeding my energies into – I ask….
“Are they feeding into the bigger picture?”
“Do they fit together, even abstractly, in my bigger picture?”
And I think that it is time for some honest assessment.
And some more cleaning out of closets.
And perhaps most difficultly,
I need to re-embrace the idea of less.
Less will give me room to live and breathe.
Let the spinning of my brain continue to spin on what is important.
And on what fits.
And leave behind some of the bullshit I’ve collected or refused to release because of fear.
But, I know the pieces I have collected and have spinning like plates on the tip of a dozen pencils aren’t pieces that are leading me anywhere.
They are bogging me down.
And may explain the exhaustion and the restlessness.
I’m moving without purpose.
It’s time to let the spinning plates comes crashing down.
Leaving the broken pieces for forgotten. Perhaps suffering some minors cuts in the process, surely leading to tears and more fear and the suffering that seems to come hand in hand with loss.
It is time.
One deep breath at a time.
Learning to live in the present to be prepare for the future.
Picking up the pieces that fit.