As I turned the page of the calender this morning, welcoming the first day of September, I realized my marriage anniversary was two days ago.
I didn’t even realize it came and went this year. Perhaps because I was overwhelmed with child shenanigans and tend to ignore the calender when I’m not working and the kids aren’t in school. Perhaps because it is a forgettable date.
For the last two years on my non-aversary, I got myself a gift. I bought myself something I knew I would love and I knew my ex never would have thought to get me.
But, even this year I forgot myself.
I guess that is a sign of something.
Things probably aren’t so good when you don’t even remember to remember yourself.
I feel like now that two non-aversaries have passed, my life should be better.
I feel like I should have moved on more than I have.
I feel like I should have an amazing job, an amazing partner, and an amazing life.
And I have the same shitty job. A non-amazing/non-existant partner and a life that is tolerable more often than not…but definitely not amazing.
I feel like I should be stronger now than I was two years ago.
And I’m not.
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
In fact, I think that at this time last year, I was about 100 times better off than I am emotionally today.
The last year has been rough.
The last 9 months have been a daily – no, hourly, struggle to keep my head above water.
I’ve lost countless friends.
Some by choice.
Other by consequence.
I’ve lost jobs. I’ve had to walk away from jobs.
I realized I have lost most of the fight I had this time last year.
And with the loss of the fight, I have lost a lot of motivation and desire to move forward and push harder.
I cry more often than I laugh.
I walk around with headaches and heartaches that are semi-permanent fixtures in my life.
I work to not let the divorce and the wasted marriage define me.
But, it is exceedingly hard when the major life choices I have to make hinge on the shackles of it.
I know I can choose how I frame my life…nobody can change that. But, having to make choices within a box that someone else placed me in is hard.
But, it is also the only reality I have to work with.
So, I’m moving forward.
Trying to regain momentum.
Trying to find that tiny piece of fight I have buried deep within the remains of my spirit to power forward…pushing toward better things.
I also remind myself moment-by-moment, that appreciating where I am now is just as important as focusing on where I should go next.
In the midst of my scramble to make a better future, I am trying to hold on to moments in the day where I can appreciate the simplicity that makes life pretty – even in the depths of an overwhelming of losing the ‘good fight.’
Clouds will always be inspiring. The laughter from my kids will always be heart-warming. A smile from a stranger will always be validating.
And perhaps, in this case, learning how to appreicate the tiny nuanced pieces of life we frequently overlook while we tread water to survive are indeed greater than their sum.
The tiny pieces make it easier to swallow the big picture.
And perhaps, swallowing enough bites of beauty will eventually fill me up again, changing my perspective from bleak to bountiful.
I’m working on it.
And believing that even though today is hard, there will be a tomorrow that isn’t.
And I guess that is a good Non-Aversary present to myself.
A sparkle of hope.
A personal pep talk.
A celebration of a slow, but steady, journey of independence.