Today I spent the afternoon in an “AcroYoga” workshop hosted by this pretty awesome dude that said, “Fuck” so much it made me appreicate his yoga-self and his “fucking” yoga terminology.

However, I digress…..

This yoga dude’s name was Daniel Scott.

Anyhoo….

I signed up for the workshop weeks ago…when I was in a much more confident, stronger, la-la-la place.

And today, after a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE night and morning, I really didn’t want to go.

BUT.

I went.

Just because going was better than staying home and ruminating about the depressive state of my life and the seemingly unending downward spiral of nightmare I seem to meet seconds within getting off the previously horrifying spiral.

And I walked into the studio and there was this exciting murmur of energy bubbling around the the sunburst outline of yoga mats circling the room.

And I ALMOST walked out.

But, the Daniel dude made immediate contact, so I threw down my mat and kept my eyes low so I didn’t break into tears.

Even being IN a yoga studio where I knew at some point I’d have to face the chaos in my head was overwhelming.

But.

I stayed.

And the conversation started.

He went over the whole she-bang about how Acro Yoga, where you are literally defying gravity and depending on your base to not drop you, was all based in trust.

Trust.

TRUST.

So, in our little circle of yoga mats, we went around the room and had to introduce three things:

1. Name

2. “Magic” (i.e. injuries/health issues)

3. how we defined trust.

I luckily was sitting at the opposite end of the circle where he started, and I listed to all these happy-at-peace-with-the-world yogis and yoginis share their names and magic and definitions.

The definitions included: love, faith, belief, understanding, friendship, knowing that the people you love will do the right thing, and so on.

And then he got to me.

“Candy”

“Major hip issues…which is why I’m limping”

‘Trust. Hmm.  I just don’t have much.  Not enough to be able to define it” and with a bit of a nervous giggle, I add: “Maybe this isn’t the best place for me to be”

And the whole room had this collective sigh of sadness and pity.

And I wanted to scream, “FUCK YOU, Liars!”

I’d posit for the most part, they defined trust in terms of their ideal understanding of what trust was…or what they wanted it to be…

NOT the trust they actually lived.

But- it’s yoga…there is no wrong answer.

And I somehow didn’t cry.  Again.

Especially since my wonder-yogini who has watched me cry through hours of her practices looked me in the eye and KNEW that I was barely holding it together.

Life is hard.

So, the practices started.

And it was fun.  And I spent the afternoon perched precariously stably (right? precariously stable – cool idea…odd, but totally what it is) on top of random men and women of all sizes and ages upside down, backward and sometimes it felt like I was inside out (right, another crazy idea…but true nonetheless!).  Other times I was the base, and I got to feel the pressure of body weight finding its perfectly inverted balance on my knees and back and shoulders.

It was pretty freaking cool.

And between all the tricks, there was always a sprinkling of “motherfucking” yoga talk.

The talk of having to trust your partner.

But, more importantly, being able to trust yourself first.

And a little light bulb went off.

I’m positively one million percent sure that I don’t trust myself.

I’ve made horrible life choices that have culminated in a mountain of stress and insecurity and debt (yep…ALL debt: physical, mental, emotional, financial).

I don’t trust people because I can’t trust myself to navigate the world and the people who make up my world.

People who I surrounded myself with, even recently, who I thought we just inherently good people have turned out to be 1) cheaters, 2) liars, 3) heads of a rumor mill that is sucking my energy and my will to live.

Choices I made with thought and intention to improve my life and that of my kids have all turned into to wrong choices.  Just putting me deeper in the pit of a life I just can’t seem to claw my way out of.

Today, as I was watching the world suspended upside down from some dude’s foot, waiting patiently as he massaged my back and the blood ran into my head, I felt like I was sitting on top of the world, watching my life pass by.

It was odd.

In a moment when some random dude could sneeze or just twitch his leg because he was annoyed could send me smashing to the ground…a moment in which my physical well-being was in the trusting foot of a stranger, I just trusted my existence to depend on his.  And we sat there (ummm…he laid there with his leg in the air and I dangled there is a more accurate way to put it) for a long time and I just kept thinking, “what’s wrong with me?”

As in, why can I trust this random foot to hold me up…when I can’t trust my “closest” circle of friends to give a flying fuck about me?

And the answer is two fold.

1)  I don’t trust myself.  Yet, in this pose…I did.  Completely. I knew I could do it. I had no doubt. Not even a tiny bit. I wasn’t intimidated.  I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t worried. I just trusted that I was doing the right thing at the right time and that it was going to be wonderful.  And it was.

2) I NEED people to help support me and make sure that I am safe as I “fly” through life.  I need that.  And I struggle to find it.  Too many realizations that people who I always thought I could count on fail me.  I don’t care who they are…family, friends, whoever.

So – I guess, the moral of the story is that you need to learn how to trust yourself before you can do anything.  Second, the more you trust yourself, the easier it becomes to figure out who the ‘right’ people are to surround yourself with.  And when they fail you, which, I guess, inevitably they will, having enough trust in your decisions will allow you to move forward and find a new support system.

The workshop, and Daniel, and the people in the workshop were all really fun.  But, it was a dark afternoon for me.  It made me realize  that my complete lack of trust for people, and the future, and myself, has led me to make some decisions that I regret…and that will again, have some long term implications in life.

It was a dark afternoon because I realized that Trust is MAJOR problem for me.  I can say over the course of the last few years, I have overcome quite a few emotional obstacles, but this Trust thing is really BIG…and seemingly bigger than the mountain of anger and hurt that I trudged over and around.  Trust, or the lack thereof, is the nasty odor of a series of bad life choices I made that I can’t get rid of in my new life.

I’ve done new things.  I’m trying out new ideas.  I crossing new streets. I’ve met new people.  I’ve moved on.

But, in every interaction, I can tell Trust isn’t present.

She is hiding in the dark corners, waiting to show me that she isn’t welcome in my world quite yet.

I want her.

I need her.

I’m afraid of her.

I can ‘do’ a workshop.  But, taking those idea out into the real world of real relationships and real consequences is overwhelming me.

To the point that it is paralyzing me.

I want to stop everything.

Stop moving.

Thinking.

Breathing.

And disappear into nothing.

To a place where Trust isn’t relevant or necessary.

Where I can Be, or not, without risk

The risk of someone failing me.

Or more importantly, me failing them.

The intricacies and implications of social existence are seemingly closing in on me today.

Even as I sat and rocked the Baby Chicken to sleep, I started to cry.

While I sat on the couch, snuggled up with my other Chickens before bed,  I struggled to keep a brave face.

Why?

It’s my job to teach them trust.  It’s my job to cultivate trust in them and with them.

You know, so they can thrive in this social network of chaos we live in.

And I wonder how much of my distrust of people…and for that sake, myself, is rubbing off on them?

I guess I need to learn how to Trust something…so, I don’t break my kids.

I guess that starts with believing.

Believing in myself.

Believing in others.

And hoping that my belief systems isn’t so inherently flawed that it will lead me deeper into the Land of Distrust.

We will see.

Today was exhausting.

When I signed up for this thing, I had no idea I would be bringing so much emotional baggage with me.

Yet, the lesson I did learn is that although I came in LOADED  and weighed down with my own insecurities of Trust, I still flew.

I did it.

People supported me.

They held me.

They didn’t let me down.

They didn’t let me waver or flounder or crash.

And I learned that I CAN trust myself, too.

So, I guess that is a peak into a future of potential.

The hard part now, is figuring out how to take this lesson from the mat out into reality.

Once the workshop ended, everyone stood around – sharing and hugging and creating memories.

Someone asked me if I had more trust, and I nodded quietly and told them, “Yeah…kinda” – another woman, who I didn’t know, said: “I’ve heard your story. You are brave for coming” and Daniel Scott came up and gave me a hug and said he was proud.

So, I guess today made a difference.

And I am thankful for the realizations I made…although, they are clearly incomplete and rambling.

And I’m thankful for the opportunity to explore my unknown on yet another yoga mat with yet another teacher.

Like I said, today was incredibly tiring.

But, I think that somehow it was productive.

And for that, again, I am thankful.