Today I had a “not breaking up” conversation with someone who I was never in the kind of relationship with that you could formally ‘break-up’ in that terminology, so much.
As a back story…it is a boy.
We met…instantly became very best friendish and although he doesn’t really believe so much in the whole “energy” kind of thing, we meshed because we have this perfect balance of energy.
We are a perfect match.
A perfect pair.
Maybe even soul mates.
And in all honesty, probably we will be “together forever” because I can’t imagine life without him and you could probably get him to admit that he can’t much imagine life without me, either.
A match made in heaven.
But, a match that just wasn’t meant to be.
The running joke is that we are perfect third spouses.
You know, you marry first for lust, second for power and third because you are meant to be together forever.
We openly agree that regardless of how amazing and awesome we are (alone and together), a “together” isn’t in the cards.
And probably because “It is what it is…and it IS how it is supposed to be”
We both know we have other lives to live now.
And our “other lives to live” aren’t one and the same.
So – we kinda broke up tonight.
But – not in the “we can’t be friends anymore” kind of way.
But, more in the breaking-up with the idea that there is a WE and not just two bestest friends ever.
And for me, that was a hard break-up.
Although it was once I probably emotionally had six months ago.
But, a break-up that needed to happen on “paper,” so to speak, and brought to life and discussed.
And the funny thing is we both want the other person to be happy, but we seemingly want to keep the other person all locked up in a tower, safe from harm and suffering.
We don’t want to BE that other person who could cause harm and suffering, but, we sure as heck don’t want to share, either.
We talked a lot about jealousy.
“I want you to be happy. But, I’m totally jealous of anyone who get any piece of your time that isn’t me”
What an odd dynamic, no?
I love you and cherish you…but don’t want you too close, but don’t want anyone else to have you, either.
I’d say it is more sophomoric than anything else.
It was also honest.
And totally truthful.
And it made me sad.
It made him sad.
But – I think that it brought both of us a bit of peace.
Maybe because we just aren’t ready for “US” – so we brush it off.
And, you know.
I’m OK with it.
I’m really OK with it.
I want this. Even though it took me a REALLY. LONG.TIME to realize it.
Life without him is a devastating picture to envision.
Life with him – safely – is the life I want.
So – we broke up tonight.
But, we also kinda came full circle and solidified a friendship that will outlast anything else that might have come about if we hadn’t decided that where we are now is exactly where we should be.
Plus, I realized, if I am going to delve back into the world of dating, I need to think long and hard about what “dating” really is and the implications of dating on my life – a life, mind you, that I have truly coming to love.
My standards are high, my expectations higher, and my “non-negotiable” list is longer than I am tall (and at 5’8″ – that is a long ass list).
My priorities of how to create a safe and warm reality have changed. And my realization of a safe and warm reality is that I need someone who will respect and embrace the idea that my definition of what is warm and safe is fluid.
I need someone who accepts the crazy of my kids.
My introvert tendencies.
My needs to seek balance in my day; fighting movement with meditation, speaking with silence, laughter with thought, assertiveness with submissiveness, and company with solitude.
I need to write. I need to read. I need to exist freely.
And I need someone who will respect that.
I want someone who will support it.
I won’t settle for someone who won’t balance it.
More importantly, I need someone to look at my chaotic snowball of a life filled with drama, hardship and challenge and not be intimidated.
My life, as a friend not so long ago told me, is one that isn’t easy on the eyes and any man who would get close is someone who is a raging hard ass who isn’t phased by family life, financial burdens, a strong woman, a creative thinker with the spirit of a gypsy.
And I’d agree.
Tonight’s “not” break-up was an important night.
First, I learned that there are some people I value more than I trust myself to be in any sort of romantic anything with. He isn’t a gamble I’m going to take. (And really…we pinky-swore on the third marriage, so he isn’t going anywhere)
Second, I learned that people really do come into your life at exactly the moment they were supposed to. I met him exactly when I needed to and as cheesy as it sounds, he changed my life. He made it better. He helped make me better.
Third, I learned that maybe it might be time to think about maybe starting to think about actually inviting someone into my life who could share more than a cup of coffee with me. And, maybe now isn’t the time. But – perhaps, it is time to start thinking about it.
Fourth, I learned that sometimes breaking up is exactly what needs to happen to make things better. I love the boy who I had a “not” break-up conversation with for about 10,000 reasons. And now that we broke up, I think I love him for 10,0001. Breaking-up isn’t a bad thing, even if it is a ‘not’ break up. It opens up the doors and changes the view, maybe let’s in some fresh air.
Fifth, I learned that even if you didn’t REALLY break up with someone, it is still a good enough excuse for eating a pint of ice-cream…which, I plan on doing as soon as I hit publish.
And although the song says “breaking up is hard to do” and parts of our conversation were sticky and a bit complicated and uncomfortable, it really wasn’t that hard at all. It was actually uplifting and filled with love.
I can go to bed feeling like a very lucky girl tonight.
And I will.
after the ice-cream.