Sometimes I can’t help but raise an eyebrow.
I don’t GET people.
Mostly the people who say crazy stuff.
Now – I say crazy stuff.
And MOST of the time, I say it recognizing that it could potentially have some negative repercussions. My “filter” so to speak, as of late, is pretty non-existent.
I’m in this odd social dynamic right now where I’m just OVER people.
And I’m DONE attempting to justify what I say, my experiences, my thoughts.
I kinda just don’t even fucking care what people think.
So, I say what I say and I brace myself…you know…just in case.
So – I get it.
People keep talking lately and I wonder if they recognize the implications of what they are saying.
Today, for example, I went to a department meeting
(Let’s take a quiet moment and celebrate that…I never go to that kind of stuff…it is a total waste of time…kind of like dating random men is a waste of time)
And there was a lovely lady sitting next to me.
Who has at LEAST her Master’s in Communication studies….
Which, come to think of it…is kind of irrelevant.
She made a couple of comments that made me think,
“Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
She made me realize that it is people like her that perpetuate the fucked-upedness (yes…that is a word, in case you were wondering) of corporations, organizations and any sort of complex group of people working toward some sort of semi-similar goal.
Once upon a time…when I was actually really passionate about the institution where I work, one of the lead administrators FUCKED-UP.
And, of course, I was the victim of his fucking-up.
And the union got involved, the department head, the campus president and some deans.
So – it was big “ish”
Like – one of those ‘ish’ moments that in retrospect, my cheap ass should have probably hired a lawyer and fought
(but, I didn’t…so, water under the bridge).
The point was…the dude in power messed up and the only person who suffered was me.
The consequences for his behaviors were nada.
Yet, now I have a record of “stirring the pot” on campus.
The whole thing is just another example of how people in power do what they want, and the people who make the organization tick get shoved under the table.
Now – I think that somewhere in my adjunct contract there is something written in tiny letters that says that adjunct faculty are truly the scum of the earth and any administrator, student, staff member or anyone for that matter has the right to shit on them freely.
So – being shit on is part of the job description.
BUT – there is a problem.
People in power shouldn’t get to shit freely.
And more importantly.
Adjunct faculty, like the bitch sitting next to me, shouldn’t support the power structure that will shit on her next.
I couldn’t understand why she was like, “Well…that is politics. You will get treated badly wherever you go…it is just how things work”
Let’s just lay down and let people piss on us?
I ‘get’ that is how the system works.
But, I can’t understand how people can just be OK with it.
Now – I’m not saying you need to go in and attempt to overhaul the system
(which, by the way is why I dropped it…my dad…a pretty wise dude…told me I had to choose my battles and as RIGHT as I was, even ‘winning’ in court would probably fuck-over the rest of my career in academia…and I didn’t want to give that damned administrator any more power over my future).
Perhaps recognize that just ‘accepting’ things as they were was only perpetuating some of the problems that saturate higher education.
It is perpetuating the idea that it is OK TO TREAT PEOPLE BADLY IF THEY ARE NOT IN POWER.
HOW is THAT OK?
How can people even pretend to think that is OK?
On the other hand, I also wonder if this lady has ever done anything independently.
Like – you know…survive some thing traumatic.
Experience something that was inherently challenging, you know those things that make you question your personal integrity.
Or if she had ever been bullied on campus.
Or bullied as an employee.
Or pushed around…left for a loser…while the system that should support you kicked you again and again while you were down.
I doubt it.
I think that she lacks perspective.
And I kinda think that she lacks that ‘oommppphhh’ that people have who want to make the world a better place for people.
She is ‘correct’ and wants stars on her homework chart.
Which is cool.
The world needs all types.
I am admittedly a completely lost cause.
I am willy-nilly in my thoughts…and struggle to focus.
My willy-nilly and imperfect focus are all directed towards hopefully giving people hope.
Or maybe perspective.
Shit…maybe even a breath of fresh air.
I want people to know they aren’t alone in their shit and that someone has been there.
That someone gets it.
And that life will get better.
I am a mess of a person for 6 ba-gillion reasons.
But – I believe in people.
And I believe in people creating their own success.
And I believe in using our struggles to somehow make the world a better place so the next person who lands in the manure pile we just hacked through can maybe follow in our footprints. Maybe not avoiding all the smelly mess…but, maybe making the journey a little less of a burden.
This lady today made me think, “Shit. YOU are one of the people who doesn’t fucking care. If it isn’t about you..you don’t care”
I think that she is probably one of those narcissistic teachers…you know the ones…those professors that talk and talk and talk…nobody caring…but the prof. just keeps talking because they have so much important shit to say.
This lady lives in a box.
A soap box.
And I fell over that shit today like no other.
And I gave her some looks (I suck at hiding my facial expressions….no wait…I don’t even try)
And there was some unspoken “I don’t fucking respect you looks” traded between us.
(department cat fight)
But – whatever.
We are living on the same planet fighting different fights.
And I hope she never has to walk through the shit I’ve walked through.
I hope she never has to walk through the shit most of our students have to walk through.
She doesn’t get it.
She doesn’t care.
So – while we question what is wrong with the higher education system in the country…it is people like her.
Those who ONLY color in the lines using institutionally provided crayons.
And then she tells on people who don’t do what she is doing.
I wish her luck.
I wish her students even more.
As for me…well…today was a good reminder that it is important to stir the pot. Let’s pots simmer that are full of shit aren’t worth the firewood you have to burn to keep the flame alive.
Today was a reminder that you have to act with personal integrity.
You have to support people.
You need to stand up for what is right.
You don’t need to be overt or obvious or anything – but, you need to stand up for what is good.
People deserve good.
So – I’m glad I went today.
It was perspective.
And I needed it.