Today I woke up restless.
Actually, I went to sleep restless.
Something is off.
I’m not sure what.
Regardless of what it is, I’m restless.
Ready to move on.
Done with the present.
Energized to take bigger and better things.
Ready to live the life that surely is waiting around some random street corner.
Yet, as lovely as those ideas are. I”m here. Here with the same stuff. Same work load. Same students. Same classes. Same expectations. Same drama.
So, in my state of restlessness, I get cranky.
I don’t like life that doesn’t challenge me.
I don’t like when things don’t go my way…and worse, when I couldn’t even say what I want “my way” to be.
I’m off kilter.
Yet, stuck in this precarious balance between stagnation and advancement.
Or perhaps…stagnation and petrification.
I don’t even know the answer to that.
So – here I am….restless and listless.
And luckily. It is yoga day.
And – luckily, it was yoga day with a women who seems to take the most banal words, concept, movement or breath and turns it into something spectacular.
I think I needed to turn my restlessness into spectacular.
So – here we are.
In this class where we are doing all this odd stuff…life “fire breathing” and
ommmmmming and flapping our heads around and flipping our hair in these crazy “cow-cat” transitions.
And I’m thinking….shit. This is way more than I want to deal with.
I did it.
Mainly because, as I noted before, I’m a great student (hahaha) and I do what they teacher tells me to.
And I’m glad I did.
It took me out of my comfort zone.
And perhaps took some of the edge out of the restless.
Let me explain.
I guess the style of yoga this practice reflected was Kundalini
Kundalini yoga…if I was a good listener (you might want to Google this bad boy…I’m not sure I got it all…is a style of yoga where you focus your energy from your spine through your third eye
(yes…third EYE…not your third nipple…that is an entirely different kind of yoga)
and you integrate into your movement chanting, meditation and breathing…”fire breathing” in many cases.
So the hard part of this Kundalini stuff is that you have to accept you are going to breathe fire…which comes with several implications.
One of which, if you aren’t careful…you’ll get burned.
The whole idea is that you move and you have to stay inside your head…or watch yourself…so to speak, go through physically challenging and even emotionally draining positions.
You kinda have to stare yourself in the face.
So – I’m more of a yoga person that likes it for the physical challenge.
(That shit is hard and looks cool…everyone should want to participate…I”m still on the fence about ‘sweaty yoga’ – but, really…a little sweat just sweetens the prize, right?)
So – the whole ‘thinking’ thing was hard.
I don’t like to think.
Ok- I like to think about shit I can figure out and offer a solution to (I’m kinda a man that way)
but – I went with it.
Mainly because the yoga lady is kinda person who I inherently admire…so, gotta give it a chance.
At the end of the class, she spoke to us…and perhaps me and my restlessness…that part of the challenge of the Kundalini stuff is realizing, and accepting, we are who we are.
Let me explain.
I’m restless as fuck.
I want to move on.
Yet, today I was reminded that change isn’t happening because it isn’t time for change to happen.
I can’t make change.
Now, I can change my perspective….
which in turn may change the energy I emit…
which in turn may create a different dynamic surrounding me.
But, I can’t push something that isn’t ready to happen.
I can only accept that I am who I am right now because that is exactly who I need to be.
Part of me giggles because I am a short-tempered, overly stressed, under…hmmm…I’m not sure what i am under…although I am sure I am under something…I’ll figure out that dilemma another day when I care.
I giggle because I need to embrace my current state of unhappy.
Not inherent unhappy.
I’m definitely a happy person.
But current state of unrest in my happy life.
I know things aren’t the way they need to be.
Nor are they the way I want them to be.
This is my life.
When I am ready to move on…life will, surely…move on.
I guess I embrace my “restless life syndrome”
Attempt to channel my restlessness into something productive.
In full breaths of life; even when life is full of stuff I don’t want to breathe in.
Today was a good yoga practice for me.
It was stuff I probably needed to hear…even though I didn’t think I cared enough to hear them.
So – here I am.
Restless as ever.
Itching to move on.
So – how I will I fill my evening?
Write some academic bullshit to appease the teacher who killed education.
Read some of my favorite blogs.
Maybe work on my fall syllabus (or not…that job is going to start costing me money pretty soon….I’ll have to think this through before I put too much work into it).
And realize…I am where I am supposed to be.
Doing what I should be doing.
And that…I think…is probably the best way I could possibly hope to spend my time.