I think I was actually standing on the top of the world the other day.
After blazing a trail through a rattle snake and cactus infested mountainside in Colorado, I found myself sitting on a rock that just happened to fit my ass perfectly, staring down on gorgeous rock formations, listening to the quiet songs of birds and the gentle breeze through the trees and sitting next to a pretty amazing person.
It was a moment in time that could last forever.
You ever have one of those moments?
It was good.
It was a moment that I was able to appreciate every second of life that brought me up that mountain.
The cliffs, the prickly-pear cactus, the risks, the struggles, the beauty, the joy and the accomplishment.
It was literally a breath of fresh air in the middle of a whole bunch of fresh air.
(excuse me while I giggle at my own bad joke)
So – fast forward.
Today I came home.
And as I sat on the plane, I was reading this book called The Heart and The Fist: The education of a humanitarian, the making of a Navy Seal by Eric Greitens.
Now, in all honesty, the guy is a bit pompous and he smells a little like a cocky fool, but he comes up with some thought provoking lines here and there…
He wrote, “In a culture where so many had been fed a steady diet of shallow macho posturing that involved degrading women, here was a simple message: “Every time a women leaves your side, she’ll fell better about herself.“
Now, the premise of this statement was that this was one of the lessons Navy Seals were inadvertently taught in their training.
But, I read it and literally stopped.
When was the last time I left a man’s side…and felt better about myself?
Or is it?
I can say…looking over the last…ehhh….10 -12 years of life, I don’t think that I can honestly say that I have really had a relationship (please define that how you want to, romantic or otherwise) with a man that had made me feel better about myself after leaving his side.
Perhaps that is the secret to a successful marriage.
I know that when I was married…when I left his side, I felt bad.
I felt really bad more often than I felt good.
I think that I mentioned this before, but I lived in the shadows of life.
People who live in someone’s shadow hidden away don’t feel good about themselves.
Now, since the marriage thing didn’t work out, I haven’t had much “relationship” to think about, but one dance with a quasi-relationship left me feeling bad.
Not because the dude was a bad guy.
But, because I realized that I was starting to feel like I did when I was married.
And, let me tell you…
That is NO Bueno.
I didn’t realize until today why I ran like a crazy women away from that idea before it actually had the chance to turn into anything more than a theoretical construct.
Now…let’s job back to the top of my mountain.
Today I realized why that mountain was so perfect.
Outside of nature’s immense awesomeness…I was lucky enough to be sitting next to someone who actually does make me feel better every time I walk away.
(who, interestingly, has loose connections to the Navy…maybe it is in the water?)
Which, is pretty fucking cool.
Now…don’t get any crazy ideas, people.
No jumping to “Candy in a relationship” kind of conclusions.
But, it was a powerful discovery.
First, I think that it is the first time I can look back in my adult life and say that I actually have been lucky enough to meet a boy who makes me feel better about myself every time I walk away.
Second, it made me realize I have made some pretty horrible decisions about boys in the past. If I look through my little black book of boyfriends, they are all kinda the same…culminating in the dude I married….Sigh.
Third. I realized today that I would rather be alone forever, having random sexual encounters with mysterious cowboys in the West than be in another relationship with someone who didn’t make me feel better about myself every time I walked away.
Alone is definitely a million times better than defeated.
Alone is a trillion times better than overlooked.
Alone is a ba-gillion times better than someone reminding you that you aren’t good enough.
Alone I can luxuriate in my own decisions without having to feel guilty.
Alone I can live without justification.
Alone I can live and finally learn to celebrate who I am.
And almost melancholy.
But not sad.
It is actually kind of exciting.
I am, in all honesty, tired of feeling bad about myself.
And quite frankly, there is absolutely no man that is worth my time that can’t celebrate me.
(geez…this is a life lesson learned about 15 years too late…but late is better than never…right ladies?)
And perhaps there is someone out there who will not only accept my middle-aged self and my crates of Chickens, but they will celebrate me.
And if not.
I’m better than good.
I’m sitting on top of the world.
Feet dangling below.
Feeling a bit euphoric. even.
The view from up here is great.
The company is better than great…some might say Amazing.
And the life lessons?
Well…definitely life altering.