A some random point in December, I talked about broccoli falling off my plate.
And then at some point in the spring I admitted that not only did the broccoli fall of my plate, but also the peas and carrots were falling aimlessly to the floor.
My life was busy.
And shit started to fall through the cracks.
And when I say shit, I mean to say…..
From the dark months of winter, through the fairly liberating spring, I think I learned how to let go of things.
Now, that isn’t to say that I did less. There is a darn good chance I am the busiest person I know (and strategically so, I might add).
But, more to say that a lot of the emotional weights that I had been attempting to balance on top of my overstuffed plate of life slipped to the floor.
Or maybe I ‘accidentally’ tripped and let them drop.
Like dead weights.
And when the anger and frustration and bitterness, fear and resentment fell off the plate, a lot of the other stuff fell with it.
Tasks and jobs and time fillers I had once deeded to be of the most vital importance mysteriously disappeared into goodness knows where.
It was liberating.
I mean, not only did I not have to stand up straight underneath the burden of a difficult journey, I had less shit to deal with on my plate.
And I think that all of this came to a culmination when I was away at school.
I refocused and prioritized.
I got a lot of work done that reminded me how much of that work I like doing.
And I finally had a chance to breath and enjoy life.
I mean, I missed my kids more than I can conceivably begin to describe, but I was free to exist.
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Existence feels good.
And, please correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I wear it well.
So, coming home was a struggle.
I had to reintegrate myself into a life where Existence didn’t really exist.
And even thought I got to lose myself in the chaos of love of motherhood, I struggled carrying my plate of peas and carrots.
The plate I returned home to wasn’t a plate that I felt I could carry any more.
And in fact, I realized it is a plate I don’t need to carry.
So, last night, actually.
I threw that damn plate to the floor.
Peas, carrots and broccoli flew.
And, I still haven’t stopped to sweep up.
I don’t want the ‘old’ life.
(and for my most loyal readers who like to take what I say horribly and completely unethically out of context, when I say I don’t want the old life, I do not mean I do not want my children, my education, my life experiences, etc. What it is saying is that I am making a conscious decision to not carry the emotional burdens and the emotional attachments of a previous period in life to where I am now. That being said, my children are my world and there is nothing that I don’t want about them (except maybe sassy attitudes from one Chicken, temper tantrums from the Other and diapers from the baby. If you could get rid of that, I would appreciate it though).
I want the life where I not only remembered I existed, but I relished Existence.
So, my life is still busy as ever.
I think that it may actually be busier than it has ever been.
But, I love what I am doing.
I am taking on new challenges. Looking into some pretty amazing opportunities.
I’m looking forward.
I’m not filling my time with stuff that is fluff and won’t get me to where I want to go.
I’m not letting silly little “mandates” dictate what my opportunities can be.
I’m not limiting myself.
In fact, I’m biting off some pretty big chunks of life.
My new plate is full.
But, it is full of new stuff.
Things I don’t want to spill.
And more importantly, I have space left.
And it is precious space.
I’m leaving room for dessert.
I didn’t have dessert for a long time.
There was no room.
But, now I get that regardless of how much I have going on in my life, regardless of the shit that I am still attempting to dance around, I see where I am going.
I’m not really all that sure what the end point in.
But, I know that the path I am on now is finally the one that I need to be on.
I am surrounding myself with people who I know will keep me on track.
I am challenging myself.
I’m not looking for the easy way out.
And I am finally taking deliberate steps.
The deliberate steps I have been trying to take for awhile, but didn’t know what they were.
I think I know.
And I’m excited.
I’m happy to be rid of that old plate.
I don’t miss it.
And although my new plate isn’t as fancy or as big…it is mine.
(and there is room for dessert)