Back in the day of binge drinking and shared showers as an undergraduate, I took a class titled Language, Culture and Communication.
And in said class, we read a journal article (that I am way too damn lazy to find an electronic link to) titled “Caught Between Two Worlds” or something like that.
The premise of the article was that there was a college student from a Native American tribe who was attending a traditional four-year institution. Upon enrollment, he began to integrate into the mainstream college culture and behaviors that defined his life within his Native American community began to fade. However, regardless of his integration, he always felt as if he was living on the outskirts of the college community. He never felt like he ‘fit’ and was uber conscious of his differences. Eager to return home to the comforts of family life, the student soon realized that he had changed. No longer did he fit into the mainstream Native American community either.
He was caught between two worlds.
Standing in the doorway.
Not really fitting in to either of his worlds.
An outsider.
Safely observing and trying to learn how to fit in somewhere.
This article always stood out to me. I understood it…but I didn’t ‘get’ it since it wasn’t anything I could directly relate to.
And now I do.
I am standing in a doorway.
Quietly watching.
Trying to figure out where I belong.
And I don’t know.
My world is divided.
One half knows me to be a mom, a divorcee, the ‘crazy’ kid, the loud one.
I’m domestic.
I bring the kids to the park, make cookies, wash hair, listen to tantrums, smother my kids in love and change the stinky diaper on more occasions than I really like.
The other side of the doorway leads to a world of academics.
A place I love.
A place I fit.
A place, rumor has it, I belong.
But, the people on the ‘domestic’ side don’t really care about the academic side.
The people on the academic side push me to let go of the cookie sheet and push me to write, research and think.
I spend the majority of my life as a Mom.
As the domestic one.
And trying to make the Academic side reverberate with life is hard.
I can’t compete with new clothes, vacations and trips to Target that dominate conversations.
I don’t fit in my life.
Before I left for my little stance in school, I had it in my mind that I would go to finish up some classes and return home to my Chickens and the suburban life I lead.
But, once I got there, I was prodded to think that perhaps, just maybe, if I pushed myself a bit more, I could make it within the competitive world of academia.
I was handed opportunities, offered support, and pushed.
People said things that weren’t easy to listen to.
But, they hit home.
I came home excited. Almost revitalized. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I was passionate. In felt like I finally had direction. I felt like I knew what I needed to do.
Until, I actually walked in the front door.
And then my reality hit.
My two worlds don’t mesh.
They compete.
They confuse.
And exhaust.
So, as I sit here…hacking away at a dissertation that probably has less value than the paper it will one day be printed on, I wonder how two different worlds can have such different perceptions of who I am and what I am capable of.
And although I know you are supposed to follow your dreams and all that bullshit, it is indeed, bullshit.
It is hard to follow a dream that the people who surround you don’t care about.
Is it possible?
Of course.
But, it does make you rethink the validity of what the hell you are doing.
So, I don’t know where to turn.
And really…it doesn’t really matter. Regardless of the direction I am facing, the next step I take will lead me into a world that isn’t really ‘my’ world anymore.
I no longer fit.
And, I’m not too sure people care if I fit anyway.
So, I guess I’ll stand here.
And wait.
Patiently.
Doing what I can do from the doorway.
Observing.
Waiting for the right opportunity.
Hoping for a smoke signal to guide me.
Keeping an eye out for another door.
Where is my bucket of optimism?
Sign.
I wish the doorway had a chair.
Something tells me I just might be here a long time….
I spent three weeks away from home.
I did my best to dip into the world of academics I was
I just had a conversation with two women about going back to work after having a baby. One woman said she was really having trouble leaving the baby at home. The other woman (and myself) both said that we couldn’t wait to go back to work. It’s not that we don’t love our babies, but, for me at least, work is where I am who I really am. Work gives me a place to “think like an adult” (not like a mommy – there’s a difference). It is a career that is part of my life, and not “just a job”. I think you are struggling because you, like my friend and I, are built to be a mother AND something else. There’s just no way around it. It is in the DNA. Yes, it is hard to do both, but you won’t be happy if you don’t try. You won’t be happy sitting in the doorway. So, get out of the doorway and, like Nike says: Just do it.
You are right…I won’t get there if I don’t try. And…eventually I will get there. I made the fatal mistake once of ‘choosing’ to support my family (i.e. ex-husband) instead of focusing on a career…and now that career is seemingly out of reach because of about million and one reasons. So – will I get there and be happy? Absolutely. Will I get there with the support of people I thought I would? Nope..they are the ones that keep pushing me back to the doorway. And I guess that is the struggle more than anything. Movement through life is apparently much more solitary than I had imagined it would be.
Guess what, this is you trying to make the adults in your ‘domestic’ life care about the things you care about. They might not, ever. In truth, they might not ever get you and because they don’t get you they might even roll great big boulders into your path for you to stumble over. Those boulders are called ‘oh, shit, maybe I am not being a good mother’ and ‘oh, shit maybe I want to much’. There are other things they might be called, but for the most part what they are is ways to make you question yourself instead of challenge yourself.
If the people in your domestic life, be they family, friends or the ex don’t get it and are rolling those boulders in your way here is the answer.
Family – explain gently this is your life and it is what is best for you and your children. You would be happy for their support but at the end of the day you are an adult and will make the decisions you know are best. If they are unable to support those decisions they will in the future simply need to keep their opinions and negativity to themselves. Toxic family members simply need to be kept at arms length.
Friends – hate to say it but get new friends.
Ex – who cares what he thinks? Really? The best revenge is living well.
What you are doing in the long term will be of benefit to your children. There are many women, single and otherwise who have careers, pursue degrees and raise happy well-adjusted children. The happier you are, the better living you can earn, the better adjusted and more mobile you are the better off your children will be. Consider the benefits your children receive if you finish you degree and are teaching.
There is absolutely nothing you are saying that isn’t 100% true. I guess the hard part is recognizing, and accepting, that people just don’t care…and won’t care…and sometimes those are the people who you really want to care. And you are absolutely right…what I’m doing is for the benefit of my kids…and at the end of the day, they are the only ones who I need to worry about. And really..learning that is is OK to push people to the outskirts of life. If there is one thing I have learned over the last year, it is that it is better to do things alone without the expectation of support than try and get people to support things they just aren’t that in to. Moving forward alone is definitely better than not moving forward at all.
Gosh, you’ve reminded me about all of the people that gave me crap while I was working on my Ph.D.. (I’ve blocked out that time, so it takes a bit to make me remember!) Every holiday I would get a bunch of grief from family members about my age and why I hadn’t done X or Y yet. Every time, my reply would be, “Umm.. I’m in grad school”. They just didn’t get it. And you are right, no one cares about it as much as you do. And no one will get it like you do (except others who have been where you are). All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and ignore the outside noise. It will suck (l’ve blocked out grad school for a reason!), but it will be over before you know it. When you are on the other side, you will be truly satisfied with what you have accomplished. And your children will have had a great example of how “delayed gratification” can improve their life. Hang in there… you will get there…
So, your attitude in the comments is sooooooooooooo much better than sitting in the doorway. You have gotten good advice so far. I am going to chime in with only this.
You, Candy, can do this. There is not thing one you cannot do. Nothing. Precisely. My sister used a quote I put everywhere: The best revenge is living well.
Set the example for your chickens to go after their dreams and become the persons they are destined to be. The alternative is too abominable to consider.
Stiffen the upper lip and explain to family…you are with me or you are against me. They can help by doing the things they can do…like babysit, chores, errands. Meanwhile, you have work to accomplish, a dissertation to write (which I would like to read, BTW) and a family to raise.
Friends? Real friends support you regardless of your pursuits. If their friendship is predicated on your hobbies and occupation, they are social spiders and ladder climbers. Both are vermin. Get new friends.
The chickens will be very proud of their momma. Very. Seriously. Proud. She did it like the Little Red Hen.
Love muches,
Red.
True…True..TRUE.
TRUE
See…I know what you (and Dr. Alice and Valentine) are saying is true.
And I guess you all helped me get over the first hurdle (learning to suck it up and not care about what the ‘other’ does or says).
Now I power through…write a page or two…interview some people and cross my fingers.
I’ll make. And I’ll be happy to share the dissertation…and maybe even some of the other projects I am working on….
Hugs <3