Don’t Make a Rash Decision

Today I read an article titled, “Don’t Even Think About Divorcing Until” that a friend posted in the wonderful time-suck of Facebook. 

The whole premise of the article was that you need to stop and really think about why you want a divorce, the processes and the repercussions of divorce before you actually go through one.  It talked about the need to really stop and think rationally, without passion or emotion, of what divorce will do to out lives.

As an experienced participant of divorce (I’m not really sure how to label myself…I’m not yet divorced…but I am definitely not married in any sense of the word expect legally), I can tell you that the article is little more than common sense organized by numbers and bullet points. However, the numbers and bullet points emphasize pretty powerful concepts that most emotionally charged couples overlook. 

And even on that front, I think that one important lesson was overlooked.  In delving into divorce and broken relationships, I think that everyone should refer back to one of the core posits of communication, “Communication is Irreversible.”

What that means, is that once we drop the D-Bomb to our significant other…even if we change our mind, we kinda started something that may not be able to be stopped.

Let’s talk about that.

If you think you want a divorce, and you have neglected to break down the cognitive-rational groundings in your desire to divorce, you might find that somewhere down the Divorce time-line, you are slipping down a path you really never wanted.

You might realize that all the bad you had associated with your partner are truly not as bad as you thought. You learn the grass isn’t greener. You learn that a divorce isn’t going to solve the problems you had thought it would.

Divorce isn’t a solution to a problem.

It is really just a springboard for more problems.

However, socially…we see divorce as an end-all to the woes of our home life.

Regardless….

When we start the divorce process, even if it is as informal as telling our spouse we want out, things will never be the same between you and your Other…even if divorce doesn’t happen.

Dropping the D-Bomb…especially in a fit of emotion shows your Other that you don’t trust them and won’t hang in to the bitter end.

Or is it “Til death do we part”?

So – when you think you want a divorce, spend a lot of time self-assessing.

If you can’t understand why YOU want a divorce and you can’t take ownership of your role in a deteriorating marriage, divorce isn’t an answer.

It’s a cop-out.

So – then what?

Well, if you drop the D-Bomb…or even worse, file paperwork, and then decide that maybe reconciliation is really what you want…it might be too late.

You have already broken the sacred bond of marriage.

Trust is no more.

And regardless of the future path you take, there will always be a chip in the relationship.

You will always know that when things get difficult, your Spouse might bail.

Just like they did the first time.

I totally understand how easy it is to make a decision in a rush of passion.

Emotionally laden decisions feel GOOD in the moment.

But, emotionally laden decisions are sometimes hard to justify when the excitement and glitter of emotion die away.

And then what are you left with?

Chances are good you are emotionally bankrupt, financially bankrupt, exhausted, confused and upset.

And the problems you thought Divorce would solve are still there.

I don’t think that most divorces are caused by relationships problems.

They are caused by individual problems.

Individual problems that leak into that individual’s ability to engage in healthy behaviors (with self AND with the Other).

So, will divorce solve that problem?

Absolutely not.

What will solve that problem is you taking the time, and putting in the work, to fix yourself so you can put an honest foot forward in the relationship.

Are you willing to do that?

And are you willing to recognize that even with all the work in the world, you might not get your marriage back?

Even if you realize that dropping the D-Bomb was a mistake.

Communication is irreversible.

The undertones, overtones and explicitness of the D-Bomb won’t ever disappear.

You just might get what you asked for.

And – really…are you sure you know what you are demanding?

Do you really get it?

Walk with caution.

In assessing my life, I ask…was there a lot of self-assessment or a lot of passionate decision making?

I’d say there was more passion.

Not a lot of thought.

I responded emotionally to the petition to divorce.

It took a long time for me to get to cognitive-rational.

I learned to respond to emotion without lending my emotion to the cause.

But- I wasn’t the first to drop the D-Bomb.

I just got to hear it.

Should I be where I am today?

I don’t know.

But, should I be anywhere else than I am today?

Absolutely not.

So – the message of this post is simple.

Be Careful.

Think.

Words are powerful.

They can change your reality.

And not always in the way you plan.

Rule of Thumb: Meta-cognition.

If you aren’t thinking about what created your thoughts, chances are good you made a bad choice.

A bad choice…but a choice that has irreversible and long-last repercussions.

So, do as your momma told you to do.

Think Before You Speak.

 

 

About these ads

About Candied Life

Exploring the stigmatized side of living--just to shake life up a bit.
This entry was posted in moving forward and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Don’t Make a Rash Decision

  1. One year ago this month I asked my husband why he remained in a marriage if he was so desperately unhappy (he was unhappy). He left. I did not tell him to leave, simply asked the question. We were separated for nearly 6 months.

    During that time he stated several times he wanted to divorce, I told him fine if that was what he wanted he was free to do so but that I would not assist him or make it easy for him as I had done with everything else during our entire married life, he was on his own in this one.

    He then stated he wanted money, alimony, me to pay all his debts including his car note. I told him no and that if he attempted to pursue this I would hire an attorney fight him every inch of the way. I would not only win but I would have have his Alien Residence status pulled based on the fact we were no longer living as man and wife (I play dirty). He was getting really bad advice from an attorney friend (not a divorce lawyer) and his wife who he was living with at the time, they don’t like me because I am intolerant of their ignorance.

    In between the acrimony we talked, we fought, we both cried a lot. We battled about what was wrong. Eventually we fought about what was not wrong. Yes, trust was broken and still hasn’t been entirely rebuilt. We did reconcile. Funny, I don’t question that he loves me or that I love him, but there remains underlying issues of imbalance and trust. Perhaps their always will, who knows.

    You are right though, words spoken even in anger can never be entirely taken back.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s