I am officially burnt toast.

My head hurts.

My brain hurts

(yep, as in Cheese Shredder hurt)

And I just want to sleep.

But, I have stuff to do.

And choo-choos to listen to.

I am, in fact, so broken at this point, that outside my office there is a choo-choo toy chugging along and with it’s jammed button smashed against a wall, all I can hear is the repetitively annoying chugging of the train and I won’t even get up and move the train so it stops.

I might, in fact, be slightly hypnotized by the train.

Chooo-Chooooooo

A mommy’s drug of choice…the lullaby of a jammed electronic toy humming in the otherwise silent night.

Anyhoo.

Today was a bad day.

It was a day of insurmountable stress because there is a god-forsaken overnight visit my Chickens will be embarking upon tomorrow.

Yep. All of them.

All night.

Even my tiny baby.

I’m not happy about that.

I’m not happy with any of it.

But, I’m dealing.

(you know, escape through Choo-chooo-choooing)

There was a lovely enlightenment of attorney talk that made my blood boil and my brick-throwing arm start to tremble.

And I’m kinda dealing.

Dealing the best I can with the scraps of perspective I have left that I’m taping together with Scotch tape.

Today is a struggle because I am attempting to solve a problem that virtually has no solution.

Even though I recognize the actual practice of even attempting to understand the anomaly my life has become is useless, my brain doesn’t stop working.

I just can’t wrap my shredded brain around how someone who once pledged their love and life to could turn around on the whim of a pumped-up muscle and treat someone else with such disdain, hatred and disrespect.

I don’t get it.

I don’t understand.

And part of me needs to understand.

What did I do that called for such hatred?

What did I do to deserve the lies? The manipulation?

How can someone do something just to cause hurt?

Why me?

And perhaps more importantly, why is my story so common?

That makes it even worse.

The degree of disregard, disrespect and complete degradation that I am experiencing is no new news to any family judge out there.

The more people I talk to, the more I learn that my nightmare is universal.

So, I wonder.

Why do people hate?

What makes people turn from “I love you” to “I disgust you”?

What makes people so inherently mean?

I used to think that people were just good.

And, perhaps they are.

But, I struggle to believe that.

With the lies and underhandedness that surrounds me…sucking me in to the abyss of bitterness and contempt…I see myself dipping into the ‘dark side of divorce.”

My pain is turning into hate.

Even though I am fighting to stop it.

I don’t want to go there.

I want to fight back and retaliate.

Point fingers. Name names. Post signs around town.

I want to prove to the world that I”m NOT the bad guy.

And as much as I don’t like to play the victim, I am one.

I didn’t WANT this.

I didn’t ASK for this.

This is YOUR game.

This is YOUR demand.

You asked. You received.

So, play nicely.

Be respectful.

If you want the Big D – I hand it to you.

Now leave me alone.

Leave our kids alone.

Let me be.

Stop.

You have already taken more than your fair share.

I have given you more than you were ever truly deserving of.

So go.

I ask you to go because I am stuck.

I am stuck in a reality you created for me.

A reality where you can call names, point fingers, mock, lie, kick, steal and abuse.

A reality where I just sit here and take it.

What’s the point?

What more do you want?

I don’t have anything left.

And what I do have, you don’t want anyway.

My intelligence intimidates you.

My strength scares you.

My willingness to survive and thrive threatens you.

So go.

Our time is done.

There is nothing left to see.

Move on.

And I will to.

Like the chugging of the choo-choo in the night.