I know I haven’t had any updates in a long time. Why? Well, I figured I needed to stop my griping about life and my new sense of confusion and do something about it. So, I have. Well, I am. Kinda.
Once I finished my M.A., I had planned on continuing on to a PhD program. I was offered admission and all that good stuff to all of my top programs. But, I didn’t go. I am trying to not to go through the whole “coulda-shoulda-woulda” thing (although, honestly, I am!), and just move forward. I know that it is feasibly totally impossible for me to go to any of the programs I had initially wanted to attend. Logistically, it just isn’t possible with two kids and a husband. So, I have decided to pursue a PhD in a completely different manner.
In looking at who I was before babies, who I am now, and who I want to be in the future, as an individual, wife and mother, I know that I need to pursue my PhD. I know that if I don’t, I will always regret it. I also know that if I am happy with who I am, and the accomplishments I make, I am going to be a much better mom and a much better wife. I want my kids to be proud of the life I can provide for them. I love being a mostly-stay-at-home mommy, but, I want to do that because it is my choice, not because that is all I can do. I want to know that I can support my family if I need to –without having to sacrifice my professional goals and dreams. One totally trusted and respected mentor told me that I should consider going back and getting my teaching certificate and teaching K-12. Honestly, I think that it is a good idea if I needed stability NOW. Maybe with a PhD, I’ll go back and make that decision. But, if I do that now, I am sacrificing me. That is not who I am. I love kids. But, I love MY kids and I don’t want to ever sacrifice me because I think that will teach them that you can’t get what you work for. I don’t think you can always get whatever you want . . . but, I believe that you can get what you work for . . . and I will have to work for my PhD and the job opportunities that follow. That is a true to life, solid life lesson. I want that for my kids.
My husband on the other hand, has no interest in my returning to school. He thinks that it will amount to nothing and is a waste of time. He comes from a different world than me, where work is much highly valued than education. The life of an academic is frivolous (it is a life of luxury, if you ask me!) and I am wasting time away from my household responsibilities of I go back to school. So, my current game plan is applying and getting ready for entering a program that is fairly local so his life will seems uninterrupted. So, basically, I am making this huge life altering decision behind his back. When I go back to school, I want his life to be somewhat unchanged. I mean, I know it will be majorly changed – but, his routine and schedule will remain the same. That way – he won’t know the difference. Perhaps once I complete it, he will be on the same page as me as see that it does make our life a better place!
I know that it will be hard and an adjustment for the babies. They are used to me being here 24/7. And I love that. I LOVE that. It is so awesome that I am with them every step of the way. Yet, I also feel like I am not offering them the best life if I am not thriving as an individual. I feel smothered. When I am in my “down” time, I feel like I am not doing anything meaningful for me. I know that I am not done figuring out my place in the world, and I know that if I am wandering around aimlessly, I am going to lead my children in the same direction. I need to feel like I have completed my education – and I know that entails getting my PhD. Maybe I’ll never even use it. Maybe I will. I just want to know that I have done it. I want to know that I CAN do it . . . even as a mother of two beautiful babies. I want the best life ever for them . . . and that requires me to be the BEST ME. The best me has a PhD, so I am going to make sure that I follow that path.
So, studying, research, etc. has kept me from writing. I am still a lost little puppy in my quest for figuring out life as a mommy – but, I am working on finding my way. I’ll be back. There are many more trials and tribulations of this mama to come. But for now . . . I’ll be hitting the books to score up my GRE’s!