Happy First Birthday

Posted on May 27, 2012 by

Today I have done an excellent job avoiding any sort of academic productivity that could have potentially been considered doing what I “should” have been doing.

And…as I started the time on a self-mandated 3 hour push of productivity, I decided that I needed to celebrate the birthday of Baby Chicken.  She turns one today.  And where am I?

As she spends the day with birthday cake an a wildlife museum, I’m galavanting around the great state of Nebraska pretending to get smarter.

Guilt?

Drenched in it.

Swirling around it in.

Smothered in it.

Sigh.

An example of a Mother’s Guilt.

Now, I can rationalize my stance here.

And in all honesty, I found this odd following of supporters

(or maybe they are just trying to  make me feel better, who knows…it’s a crap shoot)

that think my being here is more laden in benefits and long term opportunity than the disadvantages.

And, broadly speaking, they are probably correct.

Now, rewind.

I have an aunt that once told me that as Mothers…our job is to focus first and foremost on our children.

That means that me being here and this whole PhD gig is ridiculously selfish.

The CA court system seconds this motion with its gentle reminders that a PhD is gratuitous education, and that life at the status quo already has me as an over-educated, underemployed  burden on the system.

So – here I sit.

Feeling guilt I’m missing my baby’s birthday.

So, I’ll remind myself.

That regardless of the court or the family…or social norms that put me at home with my kids, I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing.

Giving up on a dream because life gets hard is probably a shitty decision.

And as one person put it, in similar terms, I need to pull my shit together and stop focusing on things that aren’t in direct relation to my kids and my success….

She said that my inability to focus on what is my life’s work will only distract me from being a good mom.

And she said that my objective was to succeed so the kids would succeed.

She ended her little lecture on life with a rated G version of

“You are here. You have potential. Don’t fuck it up”

Sigh.

So, I won’t.

Today as the Baby Chicken ate cake and spent the day exploring animals at a wildlife museum, I spent the morning eating ice-cream and exploring a local wildlife reserve.

In her honor.

We celebrate apart.

But I celebrate her in my heart.

She was my center of peace, love and focus during a year of chaos.

I’m lucky.

I love her.

And you know.

I’m not going to Fuck it up.

It’s time I followed the advice of someone who knows.

Happy Birthday Baby Chicken.

We’ll celebrate again when I get home.

 

Posted in Chickens, children, family, guilt, motherhood, moving forward | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Please Excuse the Exhaustion

Posted on May 22, 2012 by

I feel like I need to premise this whole post with an apology.

I’m writing it after a mere few hours of sleep AND I barely dipped into my first cup of coffee.

Why I feel like writing is beyond me, but, as they say, if your fingers feel like they are ready to work and your brain hasn’t given you a million reasons to not write, dive in and type.

(OK – I’m not sure anyone really says that so to speak, but they…or someone, does recommend actually writing when the worlds of fingers, brain and time collide because that might be your own opportunity to actually write…so, here we sit).

However, along the note of taking advantage of writing now is that writing now is probably a bad idea. Little sleep, less caffeine probably means more incoherent and less relevant thoughts than I would normally spout in the Candy Jar.  And, as any reader knows, the standard of quality I keep here isn’t spectacularly high..today might be rough.

But, part of the reason for me not sleeping last night was a culmination of about 5 conversations I have had in the last few days with people I barely know and one with a person who I’ve come to know extremely well, but, again, in the recent past.

Culminating theme, one which I am honestly surprised by, is that I’m not holding myself to a high enough standard in terms of goals, planning and personal expectations.

The consensus among these people who haven’t spoken, and to my knowledge, would have no reason to speak, is that I need to set my goals higher, work a little bit harder, and basically pull my shit together to reach some potential of awesome that lurks in the far reaches, potentially completely out of reach, of any goals that I have shared.

More people have asked me what my plans are for the next 1,5  and 10+ years of my life in the last week with the expectation that I had a plan.

And the goals and plans I tell them were all answered with rolled eyes.

With retorts such as; “Now why would you sell yourself short like that?”

and “You can do better than that with all three of your kids balanced on your shoulder, making dinner and folding laundry”

“Why are you wasting my time here?”

When I added on my excuses of the disaster of my life, someone said, “You are waiting for a door to knock on that hides opportunity.  Stop wait. Build the door you want, kick it in and make a name for yourself.”

It has been an odd time.

I’m used to people telling me what a great job I’m doing.

People tell me that they are ‘amazed’ that I have 3 kids, a nightmare divorce, and I’m still powering through a PhD program with a smile on my face.

People seem to celebrate my survival.

And, I’ve let it define me.

Now.

The game has changed.

People who don’t know me are throwing me some curve balls.

They are telling me that I am more than I think.

They are reminding me that even with the pile of shit that has built up outside of my front door, my life isn’t about surviving the fall out, it is about succeeding.

Someone told me to stop living in survival mode.

She said, “The last thing you need to worry about is surviving.  You do that without thinking.  What you need to worry about is creating”

Someone else said, “You are resistant, make a plan, go somewhere.”

I’ve been working in survival mode.

Emotionally, I think that I got past that place of living to survive awhile ago.

Professionally…I think I thought I was holding myself to pretty high standards.

But, upon reflection,

(and the fact a significant number of people have thrown in my face that my ‘high standards’ were actually survival instincts and not true plans)

I haven’t take the time to re-create a professional me.

I’ve been focused on the immediate.

And although that has some value, I think that my unwillingness to have foresight is restricting me.

Someone said I was the epitome of a duck swimming like hell under the water, looking calm and serene on top…saying, “nobody would have any idea of the stress you are carrying”

Someone else said, “Stop thinking you have to do it by yourself.”

My sister  said, “We. WILL.GET.YOU. THOUGH. THIS.”

I need to take some time and figure out what the hell I am  doing, where I am going and remind myself that I can kick down doors that I build to get to where I want to go.

Someone said, “You have the skills. You have the knowledge.  You are a smart cookie. I think that you have just forgotten that.  It is time to remember.  It is time to move on.”

Someone else said, “You know, selling yourself short is really just putting your kids at a disadvantage.  It isn’t about you anymore, it is about your kids”

Shit.

All these people are right.

And it is freaky, because outside of my sister…these are all people I have known, and who have known me, for a very short period of time.

Yet, they have all done something that people who love me and surround me all the time haven’t done.

They are aren’t letting me slip through the cracks.  They are holding me to a pretty high standard. And they are all patiently waiting for me to step it up and recognize that sometimes, survival isn’t the goal. And more importantly, survival won’t get me to where I need to go.

As one person told me, I need to make some important decisions that will make me advance on my chess board of life.

I probably need to do that.

And, as an admittedly closed person, my conversations have also made it clear that once I make these decisions, I need to ask for help.

I’m not good at that.  I do things on my own.  I figure it out myself.

I survive.

But, as one astute person said, “You realize that the definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Not to point any fingers, but perhaps it is time you open up your circle of trust”

And that is probably correct.

My circle of 1.5 people isn’t really much of a circle.

So, the lessons I have been presented with literally kept me up most the night.

I have learned that I need to stop copping out.

I need to build some doors.

I need to accept help.

I need to accept my strengths and weaknesses.

And upon acceptance, share them.

Scary.

Realizing the same potential within oneself that a truly brilliant group of people see in you is intimidating, scary and probably a very valuable lesson in self-concept.

Willingness to accept and share this potential is just as scary.

Long story made slightly shorter in my sleep deprived, coffee deprived state of mind is that today is the day I need to redefine my path.

As as I redefine, I need to let go of survival.

And understand that I can reach some pretty spectacular heights if I am willing to recognize it.

And take responsibility for it.

I’m not sure I’m quite ready

(I’m in the midst of some pretty damn smart people…I’d lie if I didn’t say I’m intimidated by their depictions of me)

for a complete redefinition…but I’m ready to start exploring.

And I’m ready to stop surviving.

I’m prepared to be resistant.

And there we go.

The musing.

And like always…no way appropriate way to  end.

Perhaps in my state of redefinition, exploration and resistance I’ll take a writing class.

Or maybe I’ll eat more chocolate.

(That is my new trademark conclusion, just in case you were wondering)

 

 

Posted in identity, moving forward, PhD | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Thinking Trap

Posted on May 20, 2012 by

You know those days of major distractions.  Those days when you can’t stop thinking about something and the only thing you WANT to do is to STOP thinking about it?

There is actually a theory that describes it.  It is called Ironic Reversal.

I love a good theory.

Anyway, Ironic Reversal  happens when we are trying to avoid doing, saying or thinking something, and we find ourselves in the frustratingly impossible situation of not being stop thinking about whatever doing, thinking or saying we want to avoid thinking about.

According to the ‘experts,’ this happens because of a Catch 22 that our brain finds itself in.  In order to avoid thinking about something, we actually have to start thinking about it.  It is hard to make your brain not think about something without actually thinking about it.  And to make things worse, the more we work to STOP thinking, the more we think about it.

Obsession anyone?

(and once again, a note to those readers who like to take what I say grossly out of context, obsession doesn’t mean neglect or unhealthy mental anything in this case. Obsession is used here as a literary tool.  Please feel free to ask me if you want some more explanation)

And really, one of the biggest problems with this whole issue of Ironic Reversal is that your focus on not focusing on something means that you can’t productively think about other ‘stuff’ in your life that may, or may not, deserve your attention.

Plus, further implicating the situation,the more we think, the more we obsess and the less we think about what we need to think about, our ability to control our thoughts (and the situation at hand) weakens and we get stuck in this nightmare cycle, and then the thoughts we were attempting to avoid, start to turn into our new beliefs and behaviors.

Ouch.

So, what we want to avoid turns into our focus of thoughts, which eradicates our ability to think about other things, and worse…what we want to avoid then culminates in our new behaviors.  So the ‘bad’ thoughts turn into the thoughts that create who we are, how we identify and how we communicate (I think that is called Mere Exposure Theory).

Man.

Shitty, no?

Ironic Reversal is bad

As we get worn out by this fruitless task, our ability to control the situation weakens, we get stuck in the cycle and thinking can easily turn into saying and doing. Repetition also tends to strengthen our belief in what we are thinking, as in Mere Exposure Theory. (yep…I googled it…I was right…man what a bunch of semi-useless theories I have floating in my brain)

Ironic Reversal is a total brain suck.

So, how do we get out of the downward spiral?

I really don’t know.

I’m stuck it.

And apparently, I’m writing about why I’m stuck in my endless cycle of not thinking about something I don’t want to think about.

I guess the real answer is to be passive.

To stop.

To stop trying to think.

To stop trying not to think.

To get all zen and stuff.

To exist.

Hmmm.

Maybe I’ll eat some chocolate.

Chocolate fixes everything.

Right?

Something (new) to think about.

Posted in moving forward | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

It Wasn’t Meant to Be

Posted on May 19, 2012 by

In the last week, I have written 3 posts.

All incredibly intriguing

(here is where you not your head YES and agree blindly with me)

yet, somehow…as I go to publish…the internet conks out, I hit a random button, or something happens in which the entire, surely epic post, disappears.

So, I’ve taken it as a sign that either everything I’ve written is craps, lies or bullshit and shouldn’t be published OR I need to stop playing in the Candy Jar and get some work done.

Either way…we’re trying again today.

And what I’ve learned in the last week.

I have a COMPLETELY new appreciation for life without kids.

It really is a whole hell of a lot easier.

And although it is a new freedom, it is an oddly empty one.

I wake up when I want and move freely around an approximate 3 mile radius of campus without a breath of responsibility.  I can study where and when I want.  I’ve sucked in 3 yoga classes in the middle of the week in the middle of the day. I can eat without sharing…come to think of it… I can eat without cooking, cleaning or planning.  I don’t have to schedule in naps or baths…laundry or vacuuming and haven’t heard a screaming, tantruming child that requires my attention for a full week.

And if I said i wasn’t enjoying the freedom I’d be a complete liar.

I’m on vacation.

I’m free to do what I want, when I want, how I want.

No need to explain or justify.

I can just be.

And, its good.

BUT.

I miss my kids.

I miss the tears and the tantrums as much as the hugs and the kisses and the big voices that power out of their little lungs.

I find my self caught in the doorway between two worlds.

I guess I know that I can’t really ever immerse myself into either one fully.

The responsibilities and life that fills one world will always leak into the other world.

The idea of balance is hard.

I’m not sure there ever can be balance.

I doubt that anyone can really ever truly dedicate themselves to their passions equally.

What probably can happen is that the person can find themselves more heavily integrated into the world that they most strongly identify with…and dip into the other world enough to quell any internal feelings of guilt or musings of cognitive dissonance. 

Here, I can easily focus on school…I mean that is why I’m here.

And it makes me sad that once upon a time, I gave up this experience for someone who wasn’t worth it in the end.  I appreciate the luxury of education without restrictions created by family. And I regret not having been able to fully experience this same rigor of program without the shackles I have now. 

On the other hand, my Chickens are the most amazing facets of my life.  As they run crazy in the back of my mind (or in the backyard, as the case may be), they remind me of the importance of education.  They give me a new perspective on why I am here and what I’m doing. The chaos of my Chickens keeps me grounded..and gives me a new appreciation of the degree.

I walk a fine line of guilt every day.

Guilt for not dedicating enough time to any of the principal causes supporting my life: Chickens, family, school, friends, work and self.

Nobody gets what they deserve.

But, I guess they get what I can offer.

Which, may or may not, be enough.

Somewhere once upon a time I read and wrote about being enough.

And on a philosophical level I know that we all, myself included, are Enough.

But, Enough isn’t necessarily equated with what is deserved.

Someone recently said to me, “Just imagine what you could be if you weren’t running all over the place and could just focus”

Focus.

I’m not afforded the luxury of focusing on one thing for too long.

My life is a series of snippets.

Video shorts that I can only hope can be edited into something meaningful for the people who are included.

Living in snippets.

I guess that is the way my life is Meant to Be.

A divided life.

Roles that aren’t supposed to intersect.

Keeping the doors of Self hidden from each other.

Not allowing the people, places and events of one to merge with another.

A true and fast reality is that we rarely live the lives we imagined we would.

Those lives are just not Meant to Be.

Now, as I balance precariously between my own secret lives, I wonder what is Meant to Be.

Time, as they say, will tell.

 

 

 

Posted in moving forward | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

A Mother’s Day without Children

Posted on May 13, 2012 by

Today I celebrate Motherhood alone.

My Chickens across the country…enjoying a day of summer without me.

I woke up a little bit sad.

Sad because not only am I missing baby Chicken’s first Mother’s Day, but sad that I am missing Mother’s day with all my Chickens…and even a bit more sad that I am missing day without my mom.

But, in the same whimsy of sadness, I am able to celebrate.

Celebrate because my Chickens are healthy.

They are healthy, and happy, and surrounded by love.

Happy because my mom is healthy, happy and a part of my life.

I get to celebrate today, alone, but appreciative of my life.

And thankful for my life.

And although alone, I did what every mother REALLY wants to do on Mother’s Day.

Be selfish.

I slept for about 12 hours.

Yep.

12.

I slept through the night without waking to baby cries or toddler demands.

And when I woke up…I realized I had no obligations and could roll over and sleep.

Anyone who knows me realizes that rolling over and going back to sleep just isn’t what I do.

Ever.

Until today.

I slept because I could.

And then I had coffee in bed while mindlessly haunting Facebook and blogs.

And then I ran.

For two hours.

luxury in a pair of running shoes.

I haven’t had a run like that in YEARS.

So, today I spoiled myself.

I decided that since I couldn’t spend time with the people I love most in this world, I would spend my day on myself.

So, I slept, ran, drank coffee and then spend leisurely hours walking through Lincoln, Nebraska and the main campus of UNL…looking for nothing, expecting nothing…and taking in a day of sunshine without responsibility.

Today was a sad day.

But, I made the most of it.

Celebrating my opportunity.

Celebrating the health of my loved ones.

Celebrating life.

I got teary-eyed a lot today.

But, I put myself in check.

I’m one of the lucky ones.

Although I’m not with my loved ones…they are still here.

I am blessed.

I am lucky.

And I know it.

So, Happy Mother’s Day.

A day to celebrate.

A day to love.

A very important day.

 

Posted in moving forward | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Packing

Posted on May 11, 2012 by

Today was my day to pack for the my stance in the great state of Nebraska. 

And I sucked.

And in full disclosure, I just suck at packing.

I’m incredibly good at over-packing.

So, today I over-packed.

I think that perhaps I may blame my over-packing tendencies on my childhood.

You know…being a girl scout and all…and being the daughter of a boy scout, it was bound to happen.

One of those scouting gigs talks about “Being prepared”

Well…how can you really be prepared for the unknown unless you have something for every occasion?

Packing sucks.

Oh.

Did I mention I’m reliving my undergraduate years and will be living in a freaking dorm.

So, not only do I have to pack for unforseen events…I have to pack things like towels and sheets

(although perhaps I could just ‘borrow’ them from the hotel I’m staying at the first night, right?)

{And again…for those passionate readers who like to take everything I write grossly out of context…please realize I say that ‘tonge-in-cheek’ and have no intention of stealing.  Stealing is wrong. I know. I’m Catholic(ish)}

Long story short. I’m packing for an adventure.

I mean,

I’m OVER-PACKING for an adventure.

And the mere action of over-packing stresses me out.

Yet taking things out of the over-packed bag is just as stressful.

Shit.

Aren’t there ‘people’ who can do all this packing nonsense for me?

I’d like that.

Sigh.

I’m rambling.

Just so I can avoid the Prison of Packing my closet has become.

Man.

Packing.

Sucks.

I wish I had something more meaningful to write about.

But, writing about the crappiness of packing is significantly easier to talk about than the absolute shittiness of leaving the Chickens for three whole weeks.

So, I’ll end on that note.

Packing sucks.

But, I’m devastated to leave the Chickens for 3 weeks.

Devastated.

Even knowing it is the right thing to do doesn’t make it any easier.

But.

I’ll do it.

Big picture…long run…wide view….

I know it is the best thing.

So, I’ll continue over-packing and pretend that I’m stressed about that.

Pushing the Chicken anxiety away.

What you don’t think about can’t hurt you, right?

 

 

Posted in moving forward | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Don’t Make a Rash Decision

Posted on May 10, 2012 by

Today I read an article titled, “Don’t Even Think About Divorcing Until” that a friend posted in the wonderful time-suck of Facebook. 

The whole premise of the article was that you need to stop and really think about why you want a divorce, the processes and the repercussions of divorce before you actually go through one.  It talked about the need to really stop and think rationally, without passion or emotion, of what divorce will do to out lives.

As an experienced participant of divorce (I’m not really sure how to label myself…I’m not yet divorced…but I am definitely not married in any sense of the word expect legally), I can tell you that the article is little more than common sense organized by numbers and bullet points. However, the numbers and bullet points emphasize pretty powerful concepts that most emotionally charged couples overlook. 

And even on that front, I think that one important lesson was overlooked.  In delving into divorce and broken relationships, I think that everyone should refer back to one of the core posits of communication, “Communication is Irreversible.”

What that means, is that once we drop the D-Bomb to our significant other…even if we change our mind, we kinda started something that may not be able to be stopped.

Let’s talk about that.

If you think you want a divorce, and you have neglected to break down the cognitive-rational groundings in your desire to divorce, you might find that somewhere down the Divorce time-line, you are slipping down a path you really never wanted.

You might realize that all the bad you had associated with your partner are truly not as bad as you thought. You learn the grass isn’t greener. You learn that a divorce isn’t going to solve the problems you had thought it would.

Divorce isn’t a solution to a problem.

It is really just a springboard for more problems.

However, socially…we see divorce as an end-all to the woes of our home life.

Regardless….

When we start the divorce process, even if it is as informal as telling our spouse we want out, things will never be the same between you and your Other…even if divorce doesn’t happen.

Dropping the D-Bomb…especially in a fit of emotion shows your Other that you don’t trust them and won’t hang in to the bitter end.

Or is it “Til death do we part”?

So – when you think you want a divorce, spend a lot of time self-assessing.

If you can’t understand why YOU want a divorce and you can’t take ownership of your role in a deteriorating marriage, divorce isn’t an answer.

It’s a cop-out.

So – then what?

Well, if you drop the D-Bomb…or even worse, file paperwork, and then decide that maybe reconciliation is really what you want…it might be too late.

You have already broken the sacred bond of marriage.

Trust is no more.

And regardless of the future path you take, there will always be a chip in the relationship.

You will always know that when things get difficult, your Spouse might bail.

Just like they did the first time.

I totally understand how easy it is to make a decision in a rush of passion.

Emotionally laden decisions feel GOOD in the moment.

But, emotionally laden decisions are sometimes hard to justify when the excitement and glitter of emotion die away.

And then what are you left with?

Chances are good you are emotionally bankrupt, financially bankrupt, exhausted, confused and upset.

And the problems you thought Divorce would solve are still there.

I don’t think that most divorces are caused by relationships problems.

They are caused by individual problems.

Individual problems that leak into that individual’s ability to engage in healthy behaviors (with self AND with the Other).

So, will divorce solve that problem?

Absolutely not.

What will solve that problem is you taking the time, and putting in the work, to fix yourself so you can put an honest foot forward in the relationship.

Are you willing to do that?

And are you willing to recognize that even with all the work in the world, you might not get your marriage back?

Even if you realize that dropping the D-Bomb was a mistake.

Communication is irreversible.

The undertones, overtones and explicitness of the D-Bomb won’t ever disappear.

You just might get what you asked for.

And – really…are you sure you know what you are demanding?

Do you really get it?

Walk with caution.

In assessing my life, I ask…was there a lot of self-assessment or a lot of passionate decision making?

I’d say there was more passion.

Not a lot of thought.

I responded emotionally to the petition to divorce.

It took a long time for me to get to cognitive-rational.

I learned to respond to emotion without lending my emotion to the cause.

But- I wasn’t the first to drop the D-Bomb.

I just got to hear it.

Should I be where I am today?

I don’t know.

But, should I be anywhere else than I am today?

Absolutely not.

So – the message of this post is simple.

Be Careful.

Think.

Words are powerful.

They can change your reality.

And not always in the way you plan.

Rule of Thumb: Meta-cognition.

If you aren’t thinking about what created your thoughts, chances are good you made a bad choice.

A bad choice…but a choice that has irreversible and long-last repercussions.

So, do as your momma told you to do.

Think Before You Speak.

 

 

Posted in moving forward | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments