Taking Candy From A Baby

“One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or to try harder”

Remember that saying?

Or are at least familiar with something close to it?

This is an idea that has been haunting me for months.

And within the span of months, days have turned into centuries, hours into decades, minutes into years and even the mere seconds ticking away on the wall clock come far and few between.

Decisions are a struggle for me.

Even deciding what to eat at a restaurant or what drink to order at the local coffee house takes me too long.

Weighing my options.

Thinking of consequences.

Wondering about the outcome.

Will it taste good.

Is it fresh?

Is it healthy?

Would I feed it to my kids?  If not, why should I eat it?

Does it taste good?

Will it makes me sick?

Will it smell funny?

Will I have leftovers?

What if I don’t like it?

Will I throw it away?

Will I waste it?

Will I waste money on it?

What if?

And really.

Who cares.

It is a mere decision that will impact one tiny corner of my life for an insignificant period of time.

It isn’t a bridge.

I’m not jumping to save myself.

I’m not jumping to die.

I’m ordering a sandwich.

Now imagine how convoluted my brain gets when I’m attempting to make a big decision.

One that involves real consequences.

A decision that entails people and feelings and emotions and long term implications, that truly, are irreversible.

I smother myself in fear of the unknown.

And that is what it comes down to.

Am I brave enough to make a choice that leads me into a rabbit hole decorated in the “what ifs” and “unknowns” that make me shudder?

Or not?

And sometimes it isn’t about bravery.

Decisions, especially the ones that come with the struggles burning deeply into our core, are based on value.

Does the value of what we are looking for bear more weight than the struggle of maintaining it.

Basic cost-loss analysis, right?

Staying, and fighting for the relationship is worth the struggle that comes with it.

Staying in the relationship will bring me greater benefit, even if staying means current struggle, pain, or fear – then walking away now.

Staying might mean that the NOW is hard and walking might mean that NOW is better.

But -

big picture?

Is the struggle of now going to bring a better future?

Is it worth the fight?

Such a good question.

Dealing with the unknown is hard.

Once upon a time, if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I think that I might have said something along the lines of having a physical incapability.

Now?

The unknown.

The unknown scares the shit out of me because after having lived in such a state of unknown for so long, an unknown that seems to not have a light at the end of the tunnel, I know how physically, emotionally, and mentally debilitating the unknown is.

So – walk away from pain and struggle of today into a perceived land of better – yet, a land of better means walking into the unknown.

Or, sticking with something that is bad.  And bad in a way that might vary…but, a constant struggle you can expect and prepare for.  And perhaps a bad that won’t get any better.  Or perhaps it will (hello, Unknown).  But, at least sticking around will give you consistency, even if it is a negative consistency.

It is hard.

And the answer lies in yourself

(go figure)

The answer lies in making a decision about self worth.

How much are you willing to negotiate to appease someone else?

How much are you willing to negotiate for an unknown future?

How much can you bend and still forgive yourself.

If you are in a relationship where there is too much compromise in areas that are important to you and change isn’t evident, you have to ask yourself the question, “How much do I really need this relationship”

And then you draws some lines.

And sometimes drawing lines takes years.

For example, I was best friends with a certain girl for at least 15 years.

The relationship was valuable.

And in the midst of my life unraveling, she called and left a voice mail saying I was a horrible friend and a horrible person.

I had just left an appointment with a therapist and was feeling strong in my ability to make good decisions.

So, I deleted her message.

I deleted her contact information.

I blocked her on FB and…

And I never heard from her again.

And I have not bothered to rekindle the friendship.

I decided to walk away.

That decision has come with some serious consequences.

She was truly a dear friend for many years.  She was a thread woven through my high school years, college, and even throughout my marriage.

And now I no longer have her. For laughs and cries and adventures and advice and all that comes with friendship.

And there are days when I am admittedly lonely.

But, I also do not have to be accursed of being a horrible person.  I decided that being called a horrible person at the lowest point of my emotional life wasn’t something I needed or could deal with.

There are days when I miss her.

But, I do not regret walking away and I probably will never work to rekindle that relationship.

But there are others.

More recent.

Relationships which have asked me to call into question who I am, what I want, what I need, and what I am willing to negotiate in terms of maintaining a seemingly difficult relationship.

Perhaps because so much is so new in my life, making a decision is so much harder than the broken relationship I just explained.

So, I struggle with it.

And it is hard.

And every moment I come to a place of “walk away, Candy” I stop myself, reassess, re-evaluate, re-think and even recover.

And I stay.

Because I still haven’t confidently decided that my life would be better without that relationship.

But that doesn’t take away the struggle of the relationship.

Or the headaches, stress,  and fear that come with it.

It leaves me with a small reminder of my humanity that I constantly think is gone.

It leaves me with a shadow of hope.

Hope that the fight of keeping it together, working through the struggle and patiently waiting and proactively creating are going to be worth it in the long run.

It also leaves me with a breath of faith that sometimes, waiting for what can’t be yours immediately has great pay-offs in the end.

It is teaching me patience.

And it is teaching me self preservation.

And it is reminding me to trust.

Trust in people. In circumstances. In self.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.

But, easy doesn’t always mean better, either.

It means that sometimes we take risks and work towards things that we think are valuable.

Recognizing that life is gamble.

And that sometimes we throw away 15 year relationships in the face of saving self.

And sometimes we throw fear into the wind and believe that the person standing on the other side of struggle is worth it.

And sometimes we win.

Other times we don’t.

But, we do it consciously.

With an open heart.

Trusting ourselves to be true to ourselves…even when True hurts and doesn’t always work out.

So, is there an answer to the riddle “choosing to stay or choosing to walk away?”

Probably not a cut-and-dried one.

More like having an honest conversation with yourself. Where you lay out the benefits and the consequences, and openly admit to your fears and your desires and trusting yourself with your decision and sticking with it, accepting the good with the bad.

And being forgiving.

We will make bad choices along with the good.

But, as long as you can stand next to them – head in the air, I’d say you made the right choice.

Long story short?

Make a choice you can stand behind.

If you can’t stand behind it, you probably didn’t make the right one.

As for me?

Well, people have been gently removed from my life. Some have noticed and we’ve figured it out.  Others haven’t seemed to care, or haven’t noticed.  And a few special others are works in motion; figuring themselves out in the way they are supposed to be.

Think close to your heart.  Stand strong or walk with determination.

You’ve got this.

I think that just maybe, I do, too.